Despite what the calendar says about autumn, it’s still high summer where I am, with an oppressive heat forecast for a few more days yet. So this is where I share with you that the British media, apparently, likes to have fun by warning people, vigorously and repeatedly, not to fuck themselves with frozen treats (popsicles in the USA, “ice lollies” in the British Isles, apparently.) So of course, The Girl On The Net had to go there and do that, for science, despite all the many good reasons not to, which she enumerates in her post Why can’t I put an ice lolly in my vagina? Spoiler: She can, she did, it wasn’t fun:

Fucking an ice lolly is no fun AT ALL.

It’s absolutely shit.

Frankly, one of the worst sexual experiences of my life. One star. Out of TEN THOUSAND stars. It’s midday on the hottest day on record, so my lolly was already half melted by the time I got the second condom on, and at the point it actually entered my vag I was basically thumbing in a bag of Slush Puppy. And sure, I paused briefly to take a photo, but as you can see from the quality of the photo, that didn’t take more than a few seconds at best. Even if the ice lolly hadn’t been half-melted, it was still a riotously terrible wank. Freezing cold in a way that only emphasised how hot the rest of me was, and made my cunt long for the warmth of a nice human dick. It was a truly tedious, irritating experience.

Now you know. But do you know what all this reminds me of? “Don’t put beans up your nose.”

What? Why would you put beans up your nose? A very good question!

This is a tale my father told me. When he was a toddler, his grandmother (my great-grandmother) would regularly admonish the small children in her care “don’t put beans up your nose” if she was about to leave them unsupervised for a moment, for example by going out to the chicken coop to collect eggs. He told me that he’d never thought to put beans up his nose before that, but being regularly told not to made him want to try it. Later, when he was an older child, he finally asked her what it was all about, and she explained that if a small child puts dried beans up anybody’s nose, they may lodge in the sinuses, swell, and sprout or rot, any of which outcomes will cause great distress and harm. “But Grandma”, he asked her, “does this really happen?” And she assured him it was a real problem that all mothers in her day were warned to avoid. Truth? Or a literal “old wives tale” that circulated in the late 1800s as the viral parenting panic of its day? Dad never knew.

Viral panics are a form of folklore. It seems to me that the sensationalist British press and my great-grandmother were and are participants in the same venerable folkloric tradition.

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