Can’t Spell Nude Teen

This next link is, I suppose, worthy on its own merits, especially if you like to see semi-naked young ladies slathering each other in salad oil. Thusly:

A half-bottle of vinegar and we’d have, what, undressed salad?

But seriously, folks, I was more entertained by the domain name. Nudeteem.com: what’s that supposed to be? Nude team? Nude teen, more likely.

It reminds me of Tom Lehrer’s immortal advice: “Don’t write naughty words on walls if you can’t spell.”

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• Nymphs at Play
• Wesson Oil Sex
• Kids These Days....

Saturday Sex Picture: Hair-Pulling Sex

A gratuitous sex picture to brighten your weekend, courtesy of Real Fucking Couples:

Isn’t that some hot sexual hair pulling?

Note: Real Fucking Couples is defunct and no longer exists, but it was an early effort to go vanilla/mainstream by the company that became Kink.com.

Take It Naked To The Streets

From Naked Protesters, here’s a picture of today’s street theater in New York City:

Goatse.cx: How He Did It

If “goatse.cx” doesn’t mean anything to you, proceed with caution.

A while back I linked to the Wikepedia article on goatse.cx. Now (please put away your sandwich) here’s an interview (including small but graphic photos) with a French guy who is a self-taught expert in that dubious art of extreme anal stretching:

When I first started, I was using small bottles of shampoo. After that, I tried small apples, and then bigger ones. At this point I’d put a year of stretching in, and bought myself a large dildo.

My method was to dilate my ass as often as I could — every day, even if just for a short while. Before starting it’s important to use a large dildo; use it to both warm up and clean your ass, so make sure you stick it up all the way. When you find that you can take this large dildo without any work-up or preparation, then you know that you’re ready to take it to the next step.

Then, in each session, to get your bottom prepared, put in a big cucumber. Soon you’ll arrive at a point where even the biggest cucumbers you can buy at the grocery fit easily in your ass. Now you’re ready to get serious. Buy a small Coke bottle, and use that in your ass. When that passes in and out easily, move on to bottles of wine. Once you can take wine bottles easily, you can move on to even bigger things.

Bigger things? Yup. There’s a whole paragraph on those big Coke bottles. Next stop: plastic playground balls.

A word of caution to the intrepid assventurer: Buy yourself a copy of “Anal Pleasure and Health” first. And whatever you do, please make sure you don’t wind up on the Rectal Foreign Bodies page.

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Nothing To Do With Sex

The best-written line I’ve seen in a long time:

“Esau forbid we sell our liberties for a mess of pottage and don’t even get the pottage.”

From “ID, I Don’t: When should the government be able to demand our papers?” at Reason Online.

Autoerotic Fatalities With WHAT?

Eugene Volokh of The Volokh Conspiracy is a scholar with wide-ranging interests. Presumably not this wide-ranging, but he did find the citation:

O’Halloran RL, Dietz PE: Autorerotic fatalities with power hydraulics. Journal of Forensic Sciences, 38:359-364, 1993.

Like the man says, ouch.

Another Naked Sushi Platter

In case you are hungry, here’s a fetching photograph of the nude-woman-as-sushi-plate practice previously discussed here and here:

Picture via Usenet.

The Price Of Anal Sex

I don’t exactly know what to make of this, but it’s certainly apropos to the threads about diamonds. In fact, I’m just pulling it out of the comments to the Buying Sex With Diamonds thread so people can see it.

I blew more than $30k on my wife’s new 3.2 ct. ring for our 15th anniversary in June. I had long since given up on ever getting any booty action, but she is the perfect wife otherwise, so I wanted to really show her my love and regard.

Well, she was just stunned, I mean speechless. That very night she rolled over for me and invited me into the cavern of my dreams. YES!

The best part is, it turns out she actually found that she liked it. She is becoming a little anal freak and I love it. At first she would just move so things “slipped” a little during lovemaking, but now she is absolutely shameless… rolling over, spreading her cheeks, and demanding sodomic satisfaction in the filthiest terms.

I would gladly have paid three times more to achieve these results. I am a happy, happy, happy, but much poorer man.

The Nymph In My Net: Six Wonderful Months

Although it has turned out that I mostly prefer to focus this blog on the activities of other people, it is worth noting that it’s been six very happy months at Casa ErosBlog since The Nymph moved in with me. We remain deeply in love, and life together is very very good.

An aside for the gentlemen: It is true that no sensible woman expects you to remember or celebrate six month “anniversaries”. However, from this truth, it most emphatically does not follow that you should disregard such dates, in the unlikely (but lucky for you) event that your ponderous bear-like brain should happen to alert you to one. Rather, procure and deliver some small trinket. Trust me on this one.

The Mistress Sez

From Mistress Matisse:

“No” always means “no”. But four out of five bratty submissives agree that “you can’t make me” always means “make me”. Especially in bed.

Of course, Matisse errs on the side of political correctness when she says “No always means no”. Not for nothing do I tease The Nymph by calling her “Little Miss No Means Yes”.

A Better Way To Eat Ribs

From Diary of A Porn Publisher, this made me laugh:

In the past, I have always eaten barbecued spareribs from the smooth belly of a naked slavegirl, using her thighs and breasts to wipe my messy hands. Tonight, for the first time, I ordered spareribs in a restaurant. I normally avoid eating any kind of finger foods in public because, well, I guess I’m too civilized. The ribs were delicious, though, and I gave them my full attention. When I finally did glance up from my plate, people were staring at me. I noted then that my hands were completely covered in barbecue sauce and gobbets of fat, encroaching up my wrists. I had to make do with napkins.

The Political Uses Of Corn

I pretty much think these pictures speak for themselves, when viewed in the proper sequence:

Thanks to Ropeguy at Bondage Blog for the pictures.

Sex Education With Monkeys

Not — so not — making this up. From the Village Voice:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Everything Is Funnier With Monkeys. If J. Fred Muggs, Lancelot Link, or zoo-house fecal tossing have taught us anything, it is that every human endeavor is enriched by the addition of a screaming, leg-humping, ass-biting primate. Even, say, sex education. I beg your pardon? you might ask. Clearly you’re not acquainted with the strangest children’s book of the 19th century Sammy Tubbs, the Boy Doctor, and Sponsie, the Troublesome Monkey (1874).

…

It’s a Victorian sex-ed manual. For children. Starring a monkey.

Guy Harvesting In Nine Words

Running this sex blog, I’ve been privileged to read millions of the words people write about the schemes and strategies they use to attract and keep sexual partners. Few writers on the topic manage to be as succinct as Ice Ice Baby, writing at Wax A Chump Like A Candle in the blog section at Bondage.com:

I will have him. Oh yes, I will.

Capture the mind. Feed the belly. Drain the cock.

He’s mine.

Yeah, that about covers the essentials.

NOT Buying Sex With Diamonds

From a random thread about the domain name speculation business, this post fragment made me chortle:

I dropped over $300k in the past 6 months building my [domain name] portfolio. and my girlfriend’s not too happy….

Her: “Do you know how big a diamond you could’ve bought instead?”
Me: “Yeah, but the domain name is an investment in my future.”

Doghouse!

Hillary Looking Sexy

About ten months ago I asked:

Does anybody have, or have a link to, a really good high-quality scan of that Spy Magazine cover from 1992 or thereabouts that featured Hillary [Clinton] Photoshopped into an impressive dominatrix outfit?

There was a resounding silence.

Fortunately, The Boss at The Collar Purple had better luck:

I’d still like a really hi-res scan, if anybody’s got one.

Update: It gets better.

19th Century Japanese Sex Art

Here’s an explicit example of the famous “Shunga” style of 19th Century Japanese art:

Found at this large shunga gallery.

Fun With Jelly Beans

From The Red Sneaker Diaries:

I wasn’t paying attention to him, till I felt him slip what I identified as a spotted banana bean (yellow with brown spots) between my pinkie toe and its neighbour. I smiled slightly as he slipped a cherry red cinnamon bean in the next spot, the selective toe spreading feeling almost intrusive, but in a good way.

Lamest E-mail Ever

I get a lot of odd mail. But this has to be about the lamest message I ever got:

From: “neeeeeeeeeeeed” {xxxxxxxx_xxx@hotmail.com}
To: {bacchus@erosblog.com}
Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 2004 4:35 AM
Subject: i am need

i am need picuters sex                              plezzzzzzzz

Somewhere out there there’s someone who wouldn’t recognize a clue if it ate him.

A Sex Question

Danor inquires:

Dear Miss Manners: My boyfriend and I very much enjoy giving each other head, and we are both very good at it. However, shortly after an explosive orgasm on his part, whereas my tendency is to keep sucking on his penis with the same enthusiasm and painstakingly perfected technique which I have been employing throughout the blowjob, he quickly begins making high-pitched whimpering noises, groaning “No more!” and pushing my head away from his crotch. I gather from his reaction that the intensity of pleasure has reached a pitch which he no longer finds bearable, and I have always considered that the courteous response is to withdraw and let him catch his breath. However, when I have had multiple orgasms from cunnilingus and try to wriggle away to indicate my fear that I may lapse into unconsciousness if he continues his activity, he simply grasps my hips more firmly and continues with more vigor than ever! Should I take this as an indication that he wishes me to override his requests for “no more” as well?

Discuss among yourselves.

Buying Sex With Diamonds

A recent Adrants article reproduces two spoof diamond ads which recycle this old joke with a sharper edge. Ouch!

As for the place where Adrants found the spoof ads: I’d love to link it, but not while it’s got a craven popup that makes you click “OK” before you can see the page. Memo to Luke Ford: Which side are you on?

Skinny Dip With Extreme Caution

So I was reading National Geographic when I found this unlikely statement:

Some states, like Montana, are bringing down the hammer on their clothing-optional residents. A first offense for skinny-dipping means six months in jail; a second offense garners one year; a third offense, a hundred years. “It causes you to sit up and say, My gosh, who thinks these kinds of prison sentences make sense?” Morton said.

A hundred freakin’ years? For skinny dipping? I’ve been to Montana, they can be conservative but they aren’t stupid. I’ve shaken the hands of several people I suspect of having skinny-dipped in Montana, and hugged at least one more. I had to check this out.

Turns out Montana law isn’t quite that crazy. Under Section 45-5-504 of the Montana Code, that draconian 100 year penalty is for a third conviction for “indecent exposure”:

(1) A person commits the offense of indecent exposure if the person knowingly or purposely exposes the person’s genitals under circumstances in which the person knows the conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm in order to:
   (a) abuse, humiliate, harass, or degrade another; or
   (b) arouse or gratify the person’s own sexual response or desire or the sexual response or desire of any person.

I’m thinking it would be tough to convict the average skinny dipper under that statute. “Hey, it was dark! How was I supposed to know that Granny Grundy was watching the river through night vision goggles?”