Lame Reasons For Wearing Clothes In Bed

It’s been a long time since I teased Halley, but I have to tease her now about her Ten Reasons Women Aren’t Sleeping In The Nude. I know she’s trying to explain rather than excuse, but still. I once had a girlfriend who (as things began to sour) started coming to bed wearing a huge full-body “sleeper” (like the ones little kids get zipped into, only without the feet) made out of thick flannel. Then, once she’d settled on the new man, but before she’d bothered to tell me about him, she bought a special blanket made out of rough waffle weave fabric (like thermal underwear only scratchier) and she’d wrap herself up in a cocoon in the scratchy blanket.

It didn’t help when I started to tease her about “setting the anti-submarine nets” while she was wrapping herself in the blanket.

Halley’s reasons for not being nude in bed, summarized and assesed by me:

1) Body self-consciousness. Assessment: Lame. We’ve invited you into our bed, we like your body well enough.

2) Wearing fancy undies. Assessment: Acceptable. We’ll be happy to help you take them off, though.

3) Risk of kids jumping into bed. Assessment: Acceptable. But not strictly necessary. Lots of kids have no problem with the idea that Mommy and Daddy don’t wear clothes in their bedrooom.

4) Don’t want to be nude in case of disaster. Assessment: Lame. Odds are too low.

5) Too many random folks in sleeping environment. Assessment: Acceptable. But fix it already! Or move. Or go naked anyway; it’s possible they will move if it bothers them.

6) Clothes required to be cozy in bed. Assessment: Ultra-lame. Get better bedding.

7) Too much touching when sleeping naked. Assessment: Now the truth comes out. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature. That’s why you should sleep naked. And that’s why your man may object if you won’t. Why are you sleeping with someone you don’t want touching you, anyway?

8) “It’s hard to keep your own hands off yourself sometimes.” LOL — welcome to our world. See above for assessment.

9) Arms get cold. Assessment: Lame. Again, get better bedding. Or snuggle.

10) Feels too libertine for our Puritan heritage. Assessment: Hah, you know that’s lame. Dare!

See, wearing clothes in bed is almost as crazy as wearing clothes to go swimming. No, wait, everybody does that… I’m so confused now.