Carly at Pornblography has posted a 25-step program for conducting a porn spring cleaning. Take special heed if you have cats, because they will resent the elimination of the dunes and piles of porn tapes over which they were wont to clamber:

Step 1: Take a look around your house. Do you have so much porn that it’s bursting from your hiding places, no longer fits in the 300+ videotape holder that you bought from Ikea or causes your closet doors to frequently jump from their tracks because of the sheer force of the massive amount of smut tapes crammed in behind them? Well then, friend, it’s time to clean out your porn collection!

Step 2: Start by removing all of your porn from wherever you keep it and place it in a central location so that you may accurately survey how far your perversion has progressed.

Step 3: Once you have finished struggling with your Catholic guilt, sort through all the titles and make three piles: Keepers, Givers and Trashers. Keepers are for yourself, Givers are for your friends, Trashers are to be disposed of accordingly.

Step 4: Marvel at some of the titles you’ve acquired over the years. What were you thinking when you picked up You’re Never Too Old To Gangbang, you fool?!?

Step 5: After sorting everything into appropriate piles, grab a garbage bag or six. Do so quickly so that your cats don’t knock over the pile you’ve carefully cultivated.

Step 6: Curse your cats.

Step 7: Repeat steps 3 and 4.

Step 8: Take the Trashers pile and start loading up your garbage bags. If you’re like me, you’ve got about 10 bags to fill.

Step 9: Stand back and allow yourself a moment of silence as you fully absorb just how much porn you’re about to dispose of.

Step 10: Curse yourself for having bought white trash bags rather than the customary green or black. Now everyone can clearly see you somehow wound up with more than one copy of Lex The Impaler!

Step 11: After convincing yourself that even though the titles are clear as day nobody will actually make the effort to examine the bags, get help from someone who is strong enough to lift half of the bags you’ve filled to the dumpster so that you don’t have to make more than one trip, therefore increasing the potential of neighbors spying you in the halls or elevator of the building carting around enough porn to make even the likes of Skeeter Kerkove blush.

Step 12: Open your front door and look into the hall. The coast is clear. Go for it!

Step 13: Hurriedly run back into your home when you hear the single mother down the hall exiting the elevator with her young son.

Step 14: Have your stronger companion check for other residents milling in the hall, then have them retrieve the elevator and lock the controls so that you can load your porn trash quickly and peacefully without interruption.

Step 15: Upon arriving at the basement level where the dumpsters are, look around and make sure that nobody is right outside the elevator doors. If they are, don’t panic! Just hide the bags behind you and hold their eye contact. If someone is just pulling in and unloading their groceries, no worries there, either. They’ll be too consumed with not cracking their eggs to pay mind to two individuals running for the garbage bin with 10 see-through Hefty bags full of porn.

Step 16: Have one person stand watch while the other starts throwing the bags in the bin.

Step 17: Throw a mild fit when one of the bags explodes, throwing numerous tapes across the concrete floor of the parking lot into mucky puddles and underneath cars.

Step 18: Ignore the grocery shopper’s offer to help.

Step 19: Dispose of the rest of the porn in a discreet and timely fashion, making sure all of the loose tapes from the explosion are accounted for. If possible, arrange some other garbage over top of the porn booty so that others aren’t alerted to your viewing habits.

Step 20: Cackle maniacally as if you’ve just done something really sneaky and clever, when really you haven’t.

Step 21: Make care packages for your friends across the country out of the givers pile you made, ensuring that you’ve packaged them in plain brown boxes so that nobody will know what you’re sending, helping for maximum impact when they arrive at the receiving end.

Step 22: Wait for the joyous and thankful phone calls and e-mails to roll in.

Step 23: Grow tired of waiting and instead organize what’s left of your collection, making sure that the tapes match the boxes and everything is alphabetized.

Step 24: Enjoy one of the titles that you found while doing your purge. (What happens during or after viewing need not be explained.)

Step 25: Call the City and thank them for the bouquet of roses that were left at your door the following day.