From Rollertrain comes a set of hilarious stories documenting certain calls placed to the customer service department at a sex toy mail order emporium. My favorite is The Man Who Drank Lube:

Customer: I took this an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: What was it that you took, sir?

Customer: It said two pumps. I bought the 32 ounce bottle Thin Lube, and I took two pumps of it, but nothing is happening.

Hez: You drank lube?

Customer: I drank it an hour ago and nothing is happening.

Hez: Sir, you actually drank the lube?

Customer: Yes, and I’m not lubricated yet.

Hez: Sir, do you understand that you’re supposed to apply lubricant topically?

Customer: It says to take two pumps.

Hez: Sir, does the bottle say that it’s a water-based lube, or a silicon-based lube?

Customer: [Fumbling for minutes] Water soluble. But I am not lubricated.

Hez: Sir, you’ll be lubricated in about four hours.